Only by the Grace of God: Forgiving the Unforgivable

Warning: Today’s post is a hard read. It is a story of heroic forgiveness—but it is heroic because of what had to be forgiven. I share it because this Lent more than ever there is a need to pray for our enemies, and Marietta Jaeger Lane not only did this, she also speaks to the how and the path of prayer that made possible what seems impossible.

 

Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said,
You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be children of your heavenly Father…
…be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.”—from Matthew 5:43-48

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 “There’s a hole in the tent and Susie is gone!” It was five o’clock in the morning on June 25^th, 1973 when Marietta Jaeger was ripped from sleep to these terrifying words spoken by her daughter Heidi. She ran to her daughters’ tent to find a hole had indeed been cut into it, and all that could be seen of seven-year-old Susie were the stuffed animals she had been holding, lying strewn outside in the grass. And just like that, what had been a “once-in-a-lifetime dream vacation” became a nightmare.

It would be fifteen months before they would learn what happened to little Susie. In the weeks immediately following her disappearance, as police and volunteers searched endlessly for any trace of her whereabouts, Marietta was exhausted with fear and anguish for her daughter. She was also concerned about the toll that this stress, pain and anxiety was taking on her husband Bill, and the other four children.

All this began to fuel a bitter hatred for the kidnapper. “If I were to meet him—I would strangle him with my bare hands and a smile on my face,” she said. She knew that as a Catholic she was “supposed to love my enemies,” but rationalized that, as a mother, her rage and hatred were justified. These feelings came to a head one evening as she lay in bed, “raging furiously at being at the mercy of a merciless kidnapper.”

Finally I said aloud and deliberately that “Even if he were to bring Susie back this moment, alive and well, I could kill him for what he has done for my family.” And I meant it with every fiber of my being. I wanted this horrible person to experience the kind of suffering he had inflicted upon us. I wanted him to pay for every moment we had had to endure.

But no sooner had I uttered those words than a voice within me said, “But that’s not how I want you to feel.”

“I know that Christians are to forgive their enemies Lord, but this is different! This is my daughter. It is only natural for me to feel this way…to want to avenge my little girl. It’s only right and just to desire punishment for this man. I have the right to seek revenge, and I want to make sure I get it…”

But God said very clearly, Vengeance is mine. I knew that God was calling me to let go of my hateful feelings…to forgive the kidnapper…Still I argued and struggled…¹

Marietta recounts that not only could she not forgive him, she also didn’t want to. And so she began to pray for even the desire to forgive him.

But God is persistent. He wouldn’t let me go until I was willing to let go of all of those ugly feelings that He knew would only destroy me in the end.

Finally, by His Grace…I surrendered…I knew though that I had to be honest. “Just because I am willing to forgive the man and act accordingly doesn’t mean I actually have those feelings for him. In fact, I can’t imagine how I ever could. But if that’s how you want me to feel, then You will have to make it happen.”²

Marietta recounts how God answered this prayer, and slowly worked on her heart. First, she began to pray for little things for the kidnapper—such as good weather, or that his car wouldn’t break down—primarily for the sake of Susie, so that he would perhaps treat her better if things went well. But gradually her heart grew softer and softer, and she was able to pray sincerely for him.

Then, on June 25^th, 1974, the kidnapper called Marietta’s home. His intention was to taunt her. “Is this Susie’s mom? I’m the guy who took her from you, a year ago, to the minute, today.” He revealed details about Susie that only the kidnapper would know and claimed that Susie had forgotten her family and looked to him as her new father.

But since God had been working on her heart, Marietta writes:

I became increasingly aware of a strong feeling of concern for this smug and taunting man. Without realizing it, he began to respond to this unexpected attitude in me [becoming less defensive.]

…In spite of my anguish and frustration, as I desperately searched for ways to reach him, there arose in me an overwhelming sense of compassion. I knew that it had not originated in me, but that this feeling had now become my own.…God had truly given me the capacity to forgive this man!

…When I asked, “What can we do to help you? Do you know we’ve been praying for you?” he seemed unable to speak.

[Later on in the call] …I realized that the kidnapper was sobbing—sobbing in seemingly unbearable anguish. Somewhere in the depths of his being he was suffering torment that I could never begin to understand. I was allowed to hear that, and grateful for the insight into his heart…finally, in a broken, tearful voice he said ‘Good-by,’ and the connection was severed. ³

With her voice of compassion, Marietta had been able to keep the kidnapper on the phone over an hour, despite his fear of the call being traced. And this lengthy conversation included details which finally led the FBI to David Meirhofer, who had killed at least three others in addition to Susie Jaeger, and, they would learn, had recently been foiled in another kidnapping attempt. His arrest and confession fifteen months after the kidnapping put an end not only to their search, but to his pattern of killings.

In her book, The Lost Child, Marietta outlines her path to forgiveness and the steps she took as, “God worked a miracle in me.” As she allowed God to work on her heart, she found herself more free, more at peace, and closer to God than ever. She found herself united in grief with Our Lady at the Cross, and she received an understanding of the love of God who looks with love on all His Lost Children. And she was able to love even David to a degree she had never imagined.

Shortly before the “anniversary call” she experienced a “horrible nightmare” that nearly broke her. In the dream she saw her daughter taken, and watched Susie’s face as her suffering was played out in graphic detail, before she was ultimately killed. Afterwards, she thanked God it was only a dream. “I could never live with that, never forgive that” she thought.

But when David made his confession, I discovered that this, indeed, was the reality I had to live with and forgive. I know now that I did not have a dream but a vision sent by God to ensure my complete awareness of Susie’s suffering. As horrible as it was, I needed to know all that happened. Now there’s no one who can come to me and say, ‘Marietta if you really knew what Susie had to endure, you wouldn’t be able to forgive.’ I know what Susie had to endure, and now I can truly speak with authority as I proclaim that, with the Spirit of God living within us, any kind of forgiveness is possible.⁴

Marietta became a powerful speaker and writer, and with others who had suffered the loss of family members to violence, she formed “Journey of Hope.” She teaches that forgiveness is necessary to keep the “contract we make whenever we pray the Our Father.” But as importantly, she sees it as the path to personal peace, freedom and joy.

Most of us will never have to forgive such atrocities. And Marietta says, we shouldn’t try to imagine having to—that the Enemy likes to play in our imagination, and then use our fears to discourage us. Speaker and writer Hallie Lord agrees: “God gives grace for the situation, not for the imagination.”

Rather, Marietta says, we should look to our own lives, to see people and places where forgiveness is needed. Often the faults we have most trouble forgiving are much smaller, and in people much closer to us.

This advice from Marietta has shaped not only my thoughts on forgiveness, but on the Christian life in general. When a virtue seems impossible to attain or even desire, the key is to approach God with honesty, acknowledging our weakness, and then to ask for what we need to make the next step.

This may mean asking for the desire to forgive, or even “help me to want to want to forgive.” I call this “The Back-Up Prayer”—back up to the place of honesty, to what you can say sincerely (but not less), and then go from there. As Saint Augustine says, “Do what you can, and ask for what you cannot.”

Having spoken with Marietta I can attest that she is a witness not only to the possibility of heroic forgiveness, but to the transforming joy and peace it effects in those who embrace it. Let us ask God for the grace we need to indeed love every person with the perfect heart of God.

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Notes:

I heard Marietta Jaeger-Lane speak more than two decades ago on The Choices We Face and also conversed with her privately. I am deeply indebted to Marietta who was among the most influential people in my own spiritual life.

A few small details are from my memory (corroborated by other sources for accuracy) but the quotes are from her book The Lost Child, which I read only in the last few years and which I highly recommend for a more in-depth story of her transformation and the effects on her life and family.

¹Jaeger, Marietta. The Lost Child. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), pp. 38-9

²Ibid

³Ibid, pp. 72-4

⁴Ibid, p. 119