Have a Very Mercy Christmas!
The day is raw and rainy, and nobody wants to go the store for the necessary groceries. Even though (or perhaps especially because), the time to make dinner is fast approaching. Helpful Hal, nudged by his conscience and his wife, finally agrees to venture out.
It is an hour later when Helpful Hal returns, somewhat harried and haggard, having braved the traffic, the store crowds, and what has become steadily falling sleet. He stumbles in with his arms full of wet bags, only to trip on Tiny Toddler’s toy train set. Hal and the groceries land with a thwap, a slap, and an “Oh crap!”
“Cwap!” repeats Tiny Toddler, earning a glare from Gone-Are-the-Good-Old-Days Grandpa.
Bertha the Berater begins immediately: “What is wrong with you!?! Why did you try to bring it all in at once? You could have made a few trips from the car!” Critical Cornelius can’t contain himself: “Or, you could’ve helped him…” he suggests snarkily, enjoying her outrage.
As the groceries are gathered from the corners to which they have rolled, an unfortunate discovery is made. “Vanilla yogurt! You got vanilla?!? I can’t make my famous Dan’s Devilishly Delicious Dill Dip with vanilla yogurt!” wails Uncle Dan, rivaling Tiny Toddler in volume and pitch.
“Ugh” bemoans Berating Bertha, “Why can’t you ever get anything right? I should have just gone myself.” Commenting Connie is happy to agree, “Yeah, you should have…” now becoming the second recipient of Bertha’s hostility.
The twin tweens, hearing commotion and talk of food products, emerge sleepily from their habitats. Melancholic Marc, learning that there will be no Dave’s Devilishly Delicious Dill Dip for dinner, darkly declares that life is over, as clearly, the universe, along with everyone else in the room, hates him. Muttering Myrtle murmurs that she wishes she were back home with her own food and friends. Commenting Connie, supposing the pot to be insufficiently stirred, suggests that she shares that sentiment. “I wish you were too!” she says snappishly.
This earns Connie a second helping of rage, this time from Protective-Parent Patricia. “Just because nobody married you and you have no children, doesn’t mean you can pick on everyone else’s!” she screams. Commenting Connie, is, for once, reduced to silence.
Sensitive Susie begins to sob. Bring-on-the-Booze Bob breaks open a beer and starts looking for popcorn. Pollyanna Peg pleads, “Can’t we all just talk about pleasant things?” Grandma Grace rolls her eyes and looks heavenward. “Mercy!” she exclaims.
“Cwap! Mussy!” Tiny Toddler exclaims, pleased to have added two new words to her vocabulary.
* * *
This cast of characters is clearly caricature. And yet, as my friend Colleen jokes annually, “All the family under one roof for the holidays and nobody was murdered. That’s the real Christmas miracle…”
So how do we, as Catholic families, avoid Christmas catastrophes like this one? Here are my tips for Having a Mercy Christmas:
1. Deck the Halls (With What Brings Joy)
We love to decorate and create atmosphere for Christmas, as evidenced by the more than $7 billion dollars we spend doing so each year. We instinctively recognize that our physical environment is closely tied in with what is spiritual and social. We delight in pretty sights, sounds and even smells. For the Catholic family, we place the manger scene in the center to remind us of the peace and the presence of God.
Yet we don’t often think about how our words also affect everyone’s spirits. The give and take of words, of thanks and praise, is a key part of what sets the Christmas atmosphere. We take joy in hearing the squeals of delight from children opening presents, or a voice saying “This is just what I wanted!” or “I am so glad you could make it!”
We sometimes forget that it is also our responsibility to help set this atmosphere. It can be easy, especially when close contact with family is prolonged, to slip into a spirit of complaining.
Complaining is like decorating the room with trash instead of treasures. Let’s be real—we all have trash cans, we all have toilets—because some negative things need to come out and be gotten rid of. But we don’t place either the trash or the toilet in the center of our living room, on constant display. We know Herod is part of the Christmas story, but we don’t feature him in our manger scenes. (And notice the Confessional is not placed next to the altar).
Saint Paul tells us, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things…” (Philippians 4:8) Thinking this way leads us to speaking this way. This in turn produces joy and peace for the whole family.
Does that mean nothing negative can ever be said? No. The key question to ask: Is saying this now, in this particular time and place, helpful? Healing? Will it add to Christmas peace and joy, or subtract from it? This goes for commentary that is both direct and indirect.
Does Uncle Dave really need to know that you prefer Uncle Don’s Dill Dip? Do your cousins need to know that you prefer the company of your cats? Does Grandma need to hear that her furniture is outdated, uncomfortable, or perhaps somewhat odorous? Is the family better for hearing in detail about your troublesome body parts, annoying colleagues, or what a specific dessert does for your digestive system?
Ultimately before making a comment, I should ask myself, am I adding to the joyful atmosphere and “making spirits bright?” Am I bringing light, healing and peace, or heaviness and gloom?
2—Keep the Knives on the Cutting Boards
An even quicker way to kill Christmas is with cutting remarks. This includes sarcasm (literally translated as “tearing flesh”), and eyerolling, as well as more direct criticism.
It is incredibly painful to be on the receiving end of Bertha the Berater, but it is also painful to watch. Helpful Hal is not only humiliated; he quickly become defeated and demoralized and definitely less anxious to help in the future. Even when Hal isn’t this helpful—and in fact has his own faults and failings—having his dirty laundry made part of the public décor is not lifegiving. Mercy!
There are times when gentle (private!) critique or correction may be a form of mercy. But when one is berated or belittled in public, we all bleed a little. Often the ones we hurt the most—whether with cruelty or carelessness, are those closest to us—those we tend to take for granted.
Don’t be a Bertha, be a Barnabus. Barnabus was a New Testament companion of Paul, who was so nicknamed because it means “son of encouragement.” We all delight to be on the receiving end of affirmation and encouragement; this Christmas, let’s be generous in giving it to others.
3—Be Generous in Giving (the Benefit of the Doubt)
It is a part of being human to interpret events and experiences. But sometimes, our interpretation is skewed by our limited perception, or assumptions we make about others.
My father used to tell a story about how he congratulated a student on her well-done paper, writing, “Good for you!” She came up to his desk in fury, “What do you mean, ‘Good, for you?”
Mercy means that we actively try to assign the best possible intention to every word or action of others. It means that when we do notice failure—or even real wrongs like complaining and cutting criticism mentioned above—we reply with mercy, remembering our own weaknesses.
4—Receive…with Grace and Mercy
We’ve probably all been on the receiving end of a Christmas gift that is thoughtless or in bad taste. Hopefully we’ve learned to smile and express gratitude anyway. (I know Mary pondered the meaning of Magi bringing myrrh and no doubt drew from it deep spiritual meaning. But I wonder, if even for just a moment, she questioned its practicality for her newborn…)
Gifts are one thing. But sometimes friends and family are a little too generous in giving their advice. Instead of reacting quickly, we need to pause and be generous in our interpretation, and not assume that it is a judgment on us. (“They think I’m too stupid to know this…” etc.)
It is actually human nature to love to share wisdom. Even when the advice has not been asked for, most of the time it is given with good intentions. So, just smile and say “thank you” even knowing that it wasn’t needed and won’t ever be used.
5—Mercy in the Messy
Jesus didn’t come into a perfect place on the first Christmas. And He’s not going to find one this time either. You aren’t it; your family isn’t it. But He was happy to come that first time in spite of the mess, and He looks forward to coming to us again.
We welcome Him with our best, and give Him also our failings and weaknesses. He is still the center of the messy stable of our celebration.
